Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Contemplating Christ as a Mirror

Have you ever been given something to do like read something or teach something and then realize that it was a gift from God?  I had that this month.  I am leading formation this month for those seeking to become Secular Franciscans in our area and the topic was the writings of St Francis ans St Clare and the biographies of the two saints.  Most people will read something like the Little Flowers of St Francis or one of the biographies of him, very few people chose to read any of Clare's writings or the biographies of Clare.

I decided that I would read her letters to St Agnes again, the really inspired me the first time I read them.  This time when I read them I decided to not skip the intros in each letter and to think about how Clare could write such nonsense at the start of her letters and then such beautiful things later.  I think the kinds of things Clare says about herself at the start of her letters, how bad and lowly I am but I would share that out loud with anyone!  I have to hide all that stuff, I can't own it, but she does.  Why do I hide who I am?  I think I even try to hide it from God by dazzling Him with doing things.

Clare asks Agnes to use Christ as her mirror.  I had done that in the past as an exercise to beat myself up.  I looked in the mirror and refused to see Christ in myself.  I pray every day to see Christ in those around me but I refused to see Him in myself.  How can I see Christ in the homeless or my coworker if I can't see him in myself?

So a couple days ago I did just that.  I sat down an gazed at the Beloved and looked for myself in His image.  It was hard, I had to both see that I am unworthy of His love and accept it at the sametime to see any of Him in me.  I know God loves me, and at times I have felt that love, but each time I handed that love back to Him saying, Oh Lord I am not Worthy.  I knew I couldn't earn His love and that I didn't have to but still because I could not love myself I couldn't accept the free unconditional gift of His love and see myself as a person who was worth loving.  Is it easy, no.  I have to continue to gaze in that mirror.

 The best part is I understand other people a bit better now.  The person who refuses to see Their own flaws doesn't do it because they love themselves so much but the exact opposite, they think they have to fight to cover all that up so they might trick others into loving them.   Also I get to share this with  our Franciscans in training, maybe I can convince some of them to try this exercise.  Try it yourself.

I can see now that God both knows and loves me.  He knows me better than I do and loves me much more than I do.  I have to accept both that I am imperfect and loved by God.