Faith

When I first came back to my faith I felt God literally beside me at all times.  He was so close.  I felt ashamed at times because I didn't so much have faith as I knew God was was there.  He spoke to me in so many ways.  It was exciting and I felt so special, it was dizzying.  I literally could not wait to pray to see what would happen, what I would discover, how I would feel.  I guess this is a bit like what it's like when you fall in love.  I was zealous for God at this time and would put myself in crazy situations without a care.  I felt Gods love and wanted everyone to feel that love, especially those who were feeling so unloved.  I knew Gods love was eternal and stronger than any human love.  His is a love that burns away the scabs that we accumulate in life.  I was like growing a whole new skin, alive and tingly, not hard and deadened.  I was open finally to love.

As time went on I got so used to being able to reach out to God and find Him there that I reached out less and less and got caught up more and more in the world.  We still occasionally danced together in prayer but less and less often.  At times I would panic and work really hard at my prayer life to regain that feeling of closeness and have some success.  I see now that I wanted less to get to know myself better and grow in my relationship to God and more that I liked that feeling of being special and different, and honestly somehow better than everyone else.  God had chosen me, I should be special right?

Now it harder, I know  He is there but we no longer dance in prayer.  I have to learn to love Him and not the feelings.  I have to grow in faith and not seek to be special.  I have to do the hard work of being one of his children.  He chooses each of us everyone is called, we have to follow.