I am a beloved child of God, and so are you

We had confession tonight at church.  I went with my R. Ed class.  I didn't plan on going to confession because I went last week.  What sins had I committed in the last week?  I couldn't have done much.  But as I sat there I thought first that I hadn't been trusting God lately.  I've been worried alot.

I hit a deer coming home about two months ago.  I had only liability insurance my car was wrecked.  Don't even ask me about the deer, I still mourn the loss of that beautiful creature.  How was I going to fix my car?  How was I going to get to work?  I was afraid to drive and I was beating myself up over what I saw as my failure.  I turned to God and begged for help but I still worried.  The crazy thing is that it all worked out and in the end I even had the money I needed for a repair that came up unrelated to the wreck.  So God really took care of me, but I didn't trust Him enough to not worry.

Why do I worry I thought.  Because part of me sees myself as so bad that I am outside of Gods love.  That I have to be perfect to be loved even by God, and I am not perfect.  The silly thing is that if someone came to me I would joyfully tell them that God loves them more than we can ever imagine.  That if they were the only one who needed saving, He would have still died for them.  He loves them so much it hurts.  And I believe that, but there is still this little dark place in me that is afraid of failing Him.

So, I took both of those sins to confession.  Right now I feel like God has opened up an infected wound.  I feel better and can now heal.  God works in mysterious ways.  I went back to my pew and prayed and cried.  I realized that there are so many things I haven't been trusting Him with.  I haven't trusted Him about my love life or my ministry.  I had never thought of that.  Why am I worrying?  He loves me, I need to let go, and let God.  He loves me, I am worth loving, and even better, He loves me even when I am not perfect.  I don't have to be perfect.

I had been reading some Advent reflections by Padre Pio but I misplaced the book (not being perfect again) so picked another book that caught my eye on St Francis.  Before confession and this realization I couldn't read the next paragraph, it just didn't register when I read it.  After confession I tried again.  It talked about our life on the threshing floor of God.  If we relax and go with God, we are free, and we don't get hurt.  But life is so much harder when we resist and doubt.  We hold on to ground, to our own ideas and resist His loving removal of our chaff.  Wow, that was me!  Holding on to the ground and getting beaten by life.  I want to be free!  I want let go, like at the top of a roller coaster ride, throw my hands up and enjoy the ride.  Quit worrying and trust God.

I know this isn't the end of worrying for me, I am not perfect.  That's okay, He loves me and will continue to call me back to Him, remind me how much He loves me, and to trust Him.  May God bless you and keep you.

A broken tool in the hand of the Master

I wonder constantly why God calls me.  I am such a faulty tool for his hand.  Everything is a struggle for me.  Life is a struggle for me.  He could call so many others who could a much better job than I can.  I am not a good organizer or a good speaker.  I can't preach, I forget everything and get it wrong.  Yet He calls me, and he asks me to do things I would never want to do myself.  Why does He do this?  Maybe He has already called the others who are better and they refused.  Maybe He calls me to show me and everyone else that if we depend on Him, He can do anything through us.

If I would trust in Him my life would not be so anxious.  I sit here in my house and I have all I need because He takes care of me.  I don't need power or prestige.  I need love, and I need to share that love.  He gives me that.  On my own I would stay isolated and I wouldn't have what I need.  He has given me friends and companions for my faith journey.  He has opened my heart.

What is God calling you to do?  Have you said yes?  If you haven't don't be afraid to say yes.  He loves you, He made you, and he knows what's best for you.  What will make you happy.  Open your heart to Him and say yes.