Filling the hole left by God

Why, oh why do I try to use food or feeling good or being appreciated to fill the spot where God should be. I want people to like me.  I want them to think good of me.  I am addicted to honor.  This is what I need to give up for Lent.  How do I do this and still do Gods work?  I make myself miserable by looking for happiness in ways that are fleeting.  Honor is so fleeting, you have to seek it moment to moment.  I a second it can be gone.  Christ on the cross is the picture of freedom and joy according to St Thomas Aquinis.  How can I get there?  How can I become detached?  At this point I think I need to pray to God for help.  I want the true freedom that comes from loving God.  I don't want to worry about approval and prestige.

I think that I need to start with accepting myself and knowing that imperfect as I am that God loves me.  Maybe I need to start with accepting God completely. Surrendering myself to Him and asking Him to fill me.  I can not fill the whole in my life where God should be.  I need to let Him fill me and stop kicking Him out when I think He should reject me.  When I do that I feel the lack of God so completely.  That is true desolation and Hell here on earth.

In AA you learn let go and let God.  I am the prodigal daughter all I need to do is turn back to Him and He is waiting there to welcome me back.

Dear Lord take away my shame.  You never desired me to feel the shame I feel, you want me to feel Your love and be freed by that love.  Fill my heart with Your love and help me to realize that I don't have to earn that love.  It is a gift.  Free me to Your will.  Help me to remember that all I need is You.

Lent on God's terms - Not mine

I had a great plan for this Lenten season.  I was going to get up early every morning and be first at Morning Prayer and get some time to blog more and read more before prayer.  I was going to fast and do all sorts of great things!  I,I,I,I, me, me, me, me.  The best part was that everyone would see that I was spending more time at church and everyone would see that I was fasting.  I was going to be so great, and that's the point of Lent isn't it?  To look so holy on the outside while being proud on the inside?  God didnt think so either.  Lucky for me, He saved me from me.

Right as Lent started my Dad went into the hospital and I had to take my Mom back and forth to the hospital and stay with her and my Dad.  I couldn't do all the (self-agrandizing) things I planned to do.  I felt like such a failure.  I thought I was going to do something great this year.  Lent was going to be like a mini retreat for me.  I was going to be so holy.  I wouldn't tell anyone what I was doing but I secretly in my heart hoped they would see.  Instead, I am missing Mass and other things.  I am too tired to do much extra praying and fasting has been replaced by hospital food.  I was actually getting angry at myself and my parents that I was not able to give up anything for Lent.  I was embarrassed, I hoped no one would ask me what I was doing for Lent.

Finally, today I understand.  God is asking me to give up my time and control over my life to Him.  I am doing what I need to for Lent (I just need to do it a bit more graciously maybe).  The thing I wanted to do werent bad, but the reason I wanted to do them was.  I pray to be a reed in His hand and to be supple in doing His will.  Instead I still insist on doing it my way and worry about what other people think of me.  Dying to myself is so hard and i fail at it daily.  Somewhere along the way I confused doing Gods will with people accepting and admiring me.  What I need to remember is that isn't the goal.  The goal is to do Gods will and hope people come to admire and accept God.  His love is enough for me.

Dear Lord, thank you for this lesson.  I know I will need it again in the future.  Thank you for your mercy.

Ash Wednesday Reflections - Entering the Desert

I sit here in the dark cold church, in the quiet, thinking about the next 40 days.  Forty days of prayer and renewal.  This year is different.  I used to spend Lent contemplating how I fell short of Gods plan for me, how I had failed.  This year I am going to contemplate how much God loves me and what I can do for Him.  I want to spend these 40 days letting my heart grow bigger.  Once my heart grows bigger it can let in whatever needs to come in.

I am reading Fr Richard Rohr's Wonderous Encounters Scripture for Lent.  Today he says that we can start with a desire to desire.  We don't even have to know what to desire, but just desire to desire. The desires of our hearts will come from the Holy Spirit.  What is it that you desire deep down?  Not the desires of the world but what is deep down in your heart?  What is God calling you to do?

We don't need to know today what that desire is.  This time of Lent is a time strip away.  It is a time to pare down our world, to slow down our lives, to take time to think and to pray.  Remember this is a time to pray for ourselves, our family, friends, and most importantly our enemies and those who hate us.  Watch out for distractions.  The closer we come to God, the more we will be attached.  If we pray and act out of love we cannot go wrong.

Preparing for Lent - getting ready to enter the dessert

We are one week out from Ash Wednesday.  Now is time to prepare for Lent.  Do you know what you are going to give up?  I usually indulge a bit more in this week in whatever I am going to give up.  Sort of getting it out of my system.  But what are you going to DO for Lent?

Lent isnt just a time of giving something up.  We are preparing for God to enter into our lives as well.  It is a time of Palm Sunday where God triumphantly enters into our hearts.  How can prepare  our hearts for God?  Add something to your life.  Many parishes have lenten study groups or bible studies during this time.  One i would recommend is Fr Robert Barrons Catholicism.  The production on the series is first rate, the cinematography is amazing, and the theology is very understandable.  Read more, pray more, connect with God more.  Store up your spiritual treasure during this great time of waiting.

We are entering a time of penance.  Which isn't a bad thing.  Don't think of penance as when you were little and got a spanking.  Think of it as when you got a shot of antibiotic when you were sick.  It is something good for you.  It will ultimately make you feel better.  Our God is Love.  He is not the God of Love, He is Love.  He wants the best for us.  Open your heart to Him and He will lead you to what he wants of you.

Go one this journey with Him, enter Jerusalem, pray in the garden, walk the way of the cross, enter His tomb.  Then on Easter morning, welcome Him into your heart with great joy.  But you have to walk the whole way with Him.