Filling the hole left by God

Why, oh why do I try to use food or feeling good or being appreciated to fill the spot where God should be. I want people to like me.  I want them to think good of me.  I am addicted to honor.  This is what I need to give up for Lent.  How do I do this and still do Gods work?  I make myself miserable by looking for happiness in ways that are fleeting.  Honor is so fleeting, you have to seek it moment to moment.  I a second it can be gone.  Christ on the cross is the picture of freedom and joy according to St Thomas Aquinis.  How can I get there?  How can I become detached?  At this point I think I need to pray to God for help.  I want the true freedom that comes from loving God.  I don't want to worry about approval and prestige.

I think that I need to start with accepting myself and knowing that imperfect as I am that God loves me.  Maybe I need to start with accepting God completely. Surrendering myself to Him and asking Him to fill me.  I can not fill the whole in my life where God should be.  I need to let Him fill me and stop kicking Him out when I think He should reject me.  When I do that I feel the lack of God so completely.  That is true desolation and Hell here on earth.

In AA you learn let go and let God.  I am the prodigal daughter all I need to do is turn back to Him and He is waiting there to welcome me back.

Dear Lord take away my shame.  You never desired me to feel the shame I feel, you want me to feel Your love and be freed by that love.  Fill my heart with Your love and help me to realize that I don't have to earn that love.  It is a gift.  Free me to Your will.  Help me to remember that all I need is You.

Lent on God's terms - Not mine

I had a great plan for this Lenten season.  I was going to get up early every morning and be first at Morning Prayer and get some time to blog more and read more before prayer.  I was going to fast and do all sorts of great things!  I,I,I,I, me, me, me, me.  The best part was that everyone would see that I was spending more time at church and everyone would see that I was fasting.  I was going to be so great, and that's the point of Lent isn't it?  To look so holy on the outside while being proud on the inside?  God didnt think so either.  Lucky for me, He saved me from me.

Right as Lent started my Dad went into the hospital and I had to take my Mom back and forth to the hospital and stay with her and my Dad.  I couldn't do all the (self-agrandizing) things I planned to do.  I felt like such a failure.  I thought I was going to do something great this year.  Lent was going to be like a mini retreat for me.  I was going to be so holy.  I wouldn't tell anyone what I was doing but I secretly in my heart hoped they would see.  Instead, I am missing Mass and other things.  I am too tired to do much extra praying and fasting has been replaced by hospital food.  I was actually getting angry at myself and my parents that I was not able to give up anything for Lent.  I was embarrassed, I hoped no one would ask me what I was doing for Lent.

Finally, today I understand.  God is asking me to give up my time and control over my life to Him.  I am doing what I need to for Lent (I just need to do it a bit more graciously maybe).  The thing I wanted to do werent bad, but the reason I wanted to do them was.  I pray to be a reed in His hand and to be supple in doing His will.  Instead I still insist on doing it my way and worry about what other people think of me.  Dying to myself is so hard and i fail at it daily.  Somewhere along the way I confused doing Gods will with people accepting and admiring me.  What I need to remember is that isn't the goal.  The goal is to do Gods will and hope people come to admire and accept God.  His love is enough for me.

Dear Lord, thank you for this lesson.  I know I will need it again in the future.  Thank you for your mercy.

Ash Wednesday Reflections - Entering the Desert

I sit here in the dark cold church, in the quiet, thinking about the next 40 days.  Forty days of prayer and renewal.  This year is different.  I used to spend Lent contemplating how I fell short of Gods plan for me, how I had failed.  This year I am going to contemplate how much God loves me and what I can do for Him.  I want to spend these 40 days letting my heart grow bigger.  Once my heart grows bigger it can let in whatever needs to come in.

I am reading Fr Richard Rohr's Wonderous Encounters Scripture for Lent.  Today he says that we can start with a desire to desire.  We don't even have to know what to desire, but just desire to desire. The desires of our hearts will come from the Holy Spirit.  What is it that you desire deep down?  Not the desires of the world but what is deep down in your heart?  What is God calling you to do?

We don't need to know today what that desire is.  This time of Lent is a time strip away.  It is a time to pare down our world, to slow down our lives, to take time to think and to pray.  Remember this is a time to pray for ourselves, our family, friends, and most importantly our enemies and those who hate us.  Watch out for distractions.  The closer we come to God, the more we will be attached.  If we pray and act out of love we cannot go wrong.

The Love of God - Love is the thing

I was asked how can I judge what other Christians have done.  For the most part I can't.  I don't know what is in their hearts but at times it is evident.  Love is the thing, love for God and love for others is how you can judge your own actions.  When we act out of fear, jealousy, or hatred we are not acting in way God desires.  Our God is not simply a God of rules.  We don't love God by following His commandments but we love God so we follow His commandments.  Those do not know God and don't follow his commandments do not sin as much as those who know Him and love Him.  In little things our sins are greater than theirs in greater matters in part at least because when we don't act out of love we drive the non-believers farther from faith.  We might be tempted to blame the non-believers actions on the devil but I would say we do more good for hell when we call ourselves Christian but act out of hatered and fear.  Indeed tore,ember this when I amateur work and things don't go my way.   I wear a crucifix and if I act unjustly or rashly in the eyes of my co-workers I am acting like all Christians do.  We are not and never will be perfect.  We can repair much of the hurt we do by owning our faults, apologizing, and working to make reparations.  If you are wondering how you should respond to a situation remember this, Love is the thing.  Act out of love for the other and you can't go wrong.  But until you love yourself as God loves you, then you can't truly love others.

Keep in mind, love is not a soft thing.  It isn't cute and cuddly.  Love is hard and often painful.  It isn't easy to Love.  It means putting ourselves out there.  It means not doing the easy simple or even popular thing.  True love means telling the truth and can make others uncomfortable.  It means embracing the lepers of our world, praying for terrorists, caring for addicts, and doing good to those who hurt and hate you.  It takes bravery.  Don't forget our model is Christ who died for those cursed him, betrayed him, and abandoned him.

Being openly Christian

I am often amazed at how often someone who thinks themselves open minded calls me names because I am openly Christian.  It really makes me happy to be able to suffer in such a minor way for Christ.  Many people would at this point start to talk about how awful those people are but I won't.  They are a reminder to me that we should be better mirrors of the Love of God and how far I fall short.   I am so grateful to have someone else to pray for.  I truly wish them love and joy.  Those things come from God and we all need more love in our lives.  I thank them for reminding me that they are watching us and we need to be good examples of true Christian love.  I have to learn to love them better.  The better I can love, the better an example I can be to my fellow Christians too.  Unfortunately, as I am often reminded I fall short of truly loving all my fellow man.  I am a human being and i make mistakes, luckily God still loves me.  I wish God would give the gift of knowing what each one needs to be healed of whatever hurts them in their lives.  I would wish to someday know that love for us that drove Him to sacrifice Himself for us and to have that love for each person.  I wish I could give them the gift of seeing Gods love.  In the meantime I can still pray for them, for them to know infinite Love and Joy.

Preparing for Lent - getting ready to enter the dessert

We are one week out from Ash Wednesday.  Now is time to prepare for Lent.  Do you know what you are going to give up?  I usually indulge a bit more in this week in whatever I am going to give up.  Sort of getting it out of my system.  But what are you going to DO for Lent?

Lent isnt just a time of giving something up.  We are preparing for God to enter into our lives as well.  It is a time of Palm Sunday where God triumphantly enters into our hearts.  How can prepare  our hearts for God?  Add something to your life.  Many parishes have lenten study groups or bible studies during this time.  One i would recommend is Fr Robert Barrons Catholicism.  The production on the series is first rate, the cinematography is amazing, and the theology is very understandable.  Read more, pray more, connect with God more.  Store up your spiritual treasure during this great time of waiting.

We are entering a time of penance.  Which isn't a bad thing.  Don't think of penance as when you were little and got a spanking.  Think of it as when you got a shot of antibiotic when you were sick.  It is something good for you.  It will ultimately make you feel better.  Our God is Love.  He is not the God of Love, He is Love.  He wants the best for us.  Open your heart to Him and He will lead you to what he wants of you.

Go one this journey with Him, enter Jerusalem, pray in the garden, walk the way of the cross, enter His tomb.  Then on Easter morning, welcome Him into your heart with great joy.  But you have to walk the whole way with Him.

Morning Prayer Reflection - Sitting in His Presence

Oh Dear Lord!  This is how I wish to spend my life, sitting with You, talking with You.  I pray Dear Lord that someday I will learn to live in Your Presence even when I am not here in your house.  But until then and today I will start my day gazing at You.  To start my day looking on the one who loves me best, who really knows me and loves me is a treat.  You have brought love and mercy into my life and for that I thank you.