Fighting the Good Fight

I miss the fervency I had 13 years ago when I started this journey.  I wish that I could pray all night or fast with such sincerity as I used to.  My faith was such a fire back then.  I prayed constantly, I worshipped God everywhere but especially in Church.  I keep looking back at those days trying to recapture the feels of it all.  It was new and felt so good, I thought I would be a Saint some day.

Now I understand better.  Being faithful to God means being faithful now when it's harder.  Now when He isn't as near, or so it feels.  I have to rely on faith and not on the good feelings.  It is about seeking Him, not only in prayer but in others.  Now is when you become the saint you will be.

Now I have to remember to get up early to make time for prayer, when I used to pray at times in my sleep.  Now is when I have to remind myself that God is in all creation and all people, when it used to come to me in a flash of vision that was before me in that tree or that person.  Now I have to fight for my faith and I fight to win.

Further thoughts on Perfect Joy

What really is perfect joy?  Is St Francis saying we need to accept injustice?  I don't think so Francis fought injustice. His day.  I think it is more an attitude.  We should accept the gifts given to us by God without getting puffed up with pride.  God gives us our intelligence and our talents.  God works through us to do great things in the world.  All we can glory in is our willingness to do what God calls on us to do.  God will shape us into the tool He needs by our experiences, so we should accept those experiences gladly and be joyful in being chosen.

Perfect Joy

Now many times have I read the story of Perfect Joy, understood it as best I could, vowed to live up to it and failed usually within minutes?  Why do I glory in the things that are not mine to glory in and why do I insist on the admiration of those around me?

Do I really want to follow Christ for the love of throne who loves me and saved me or do I follow Christ in the vain hope that I will admired for that?  Do I serve the poor for their sake or for mine?  I know there is no satisfaction in running after the world and its approval.  I fully agree that pride makes me miserable.  I know following Christ where he wants me to go is what will ultimately. Are me happy.  Why, don't I do it?

Do not seek the honors of the World

Lately I have been re-reading the early writings of St Francis of Assisi and the Little Flowers of St Francis with the idea that other people need to be more familiar with these writings.  I however know all that they say and love them and at least thought I was living them.

Wrong, each one has been an indictment on my soul.  In every paragraph I see where I fall oh so short.  I read today about Br. Bernard and how he and the other brothers sought out not the approval and love of the world but it's scorn.  They were scorned not for anything bad but for how they dressed and how poor they were.  They were loving and pious me my thought has been that I should be attractive to the world so they will be attracted to God, silly me.

I show them instead a face and a life that is not a challenge to them.  It looks like them, talks like them, smells like them.  When I am scorned by people for my beliefs I find it very hard, I don't rejoice like St Francis and the brothers did.  Am I trying to fit in for them or for me?  I backed away from those who scorned me because of my social justice beliefs.  I didn't change what I was doing just didn't interact with those people anymore.  That is not what Br. Bernard would have done.  He would have rejoiced in the scorn and bore with it as a blessing from God to keep him humble.