Friday, December 30, 2016

The Holy Family

I think of the Holy Family as my inspiration.  Mary was conceived without sin but she still was a human and Joseph was just like us.  Through their love for Christ they did amazing things they never thought they would do.

Joseph and Mary lived in a very small town and lived simple lives of labor until the day Christ came into their lives.  After that they traveled, met wise men, and for at least a while were the talk of their village.  Having Christ to love must have been so strengthening.  Their faith, especially Joseph's must have bloomed.

Mary went on to travel with Jesus and went through all she did with his death and resurrection and ended her life in a foreign land.  God's love will lead you, if you let it to a much bigger life.  That life may have a lot of sorrow and difficulties but it will be a life worth living and it won't be the life you thought you would have.  All you have to do is follow.

Thursday, December 29, 2016

Hungering for Righteousness

I think there are two ways people think of when they think of righteousness.  Some people take the view of hungering for righteousness in the world in general.  This is good, wanting people to act according to Gods law and wanting our institutions to act in the same way is correct.  We fall short when we do this without compassion and without being righteous ourselves.  There are those who live lives that shame us in their beauty. love, and righteousness, Mother Theresa and St Francis are good examples.  Then you have busy bodies who look for the bad in everything and are so miserable they want to make everyone as miserable as they are.  Don't be that person.

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Give drink to those thirsty for justice

Now that it is after Christmas and the Christ child is here, what does that mean?  We have opened our gift of salvation but what does that mean, what does that look like in our lives?  Think of Matthew chapter 25, now we have to look for the Beloved everywhere.  We have to take action.  We have to feed the hungry, give drink to the thirsty, visit the sick and in prison, shelter the homeless, and clothe the naked.  But God doesn't want us to just see to their physical needs.  We have to give drink to those who thirst for justice.  Feed those who hunger for peace.  It won't be easy, but it is so worth it because He is there.  He is that hungry senior at the food pantry and the woman disrespected by a racist in Walmart.  In fact He is also present in that racist who needs to be saved by your actions as well.  That person needs to be taught love by being shown the love you have for the person they are victimizing.  We are called to be a people of action working in the world to bring about the kingdom of God.  Open you eyes and look for Christ.

Friday, December 23, 2016

Adoration

Oh my Lord, as I sit here and gaze on you I realize that you are my strength and the source of all I am.  I am nothing without you.  All gifts and all wisdom comes from you.  Without you I can do nothing and I am nothing, except what you have made me.  That is why my life doesn't always work because I try to be other than how you created me.  I try to do what I think is my will, what others say will make me happy, but I am only happy in you.  When I think of what my life was away from you how small and mean it was, and then I see how beautiful it is now, I can't imagine living for only myself again.  A selfish life is a small life, thank you for giving me a big life.

The Wrapped Gift

Today, Christ is still the wrapped present under the tree.  He is still wrapped in the flesh of His mother.  We sit like little children longing to open that gift, the most beautiful gift we have seen.  Imagine a tree where the only gifts under the tree are things, we are so lucky our gift is salvation and love.

But do we really ever open that gift?  Do we stare at it and decide we know what's in it so we don't have to open it?  I think most of us never really open that gift.  We've read the Bible, we know God and what he asks of us.  We know it, we don't have to open the gift.  If we did open the gift that is the Beloved, He might ask something of us.  He might ask us to change or give us the courage to do what other people wouldn't like.  Opening that gift might be scary.

So we don't open it.  We show other people, look I have the gift of salvation, I must be doing things right.  We think because we have some knowledge that we know what God is calling us to do, but if we never really open our gift we keep Him from truly calling us.

If we open the gift we invite Him into our hearts and allow Him to rule there.  We become radicalized with Love.  We can truly do all things in Him but we have to open that present and allow Him to do things through us.

How do we know that it is the Beloved working through us and not the deceiver?  There are many people in the world today who think they are doing Gods will who are not.  We know we do Gods will when we always act out of love and compassion.  If what we do is really for our own gain, or hurts other people then it isn't God's will.  I am not talking about the hurt of showing someone they are wrong, sometimes we have to do that, but even then it has to be done with an abundance of compassion.  Bombing innocent people isn't God's will.  God is Love.  Open the gift and see where it takes you.

Thursday, December 22, 2016

Waiting for the Manger

This morning I had planned on spending time in front of our church's nativity scene.  I wanted to sit and gaze at the empty manger and anticipate the coming of the Lord.  I will have to do it tonight instead.  It is still dark out and the lights that shine on the scene go out before sunrise so it is too dark.  Instead I am left longing for the manger.  Waiting to see the baby Jesus there.  I close my eyes and I imagine what it sounded like with the animals there and what it smelled like.  Was there a little fire for the Holy Family to see by or just the moonlight?

 I ask Mary if I can hold our Savior.  He is so beautiful.  The funny thing is that the light that comes from Him illuminates the darkness in my soul so I ask Him to heal that darkness and I resolve to not do that sin anymore with His help.

Joseph is the one I feel closest to in the Holy Family, he is like me.  He wasn't conceived without original sin like Mary was and yet he was chosen by God.  God had a job for him to do and he said yes.  His yes may not have been as profound as Mary's yes in the salvation of the world but it was significant.

Friday, December 16, 2016

Real Humility

God is teaching me humility.  I have been reading great works on humility and agreeing, yes that is humility and patting myself on the back for apparently gaining in humility with no outward evidence.    So, God sends me dreams and shows my lack of humility.  He gives me dreams of people questioning what I am doing for Him and have been doing for Him with great pride.  Instead of listening to these people I get defensive and stalk off vowing to make them pay.  Not very humble.  The people questioning me are clergy and I look down on those who don't accept what the clergy says.  I need to make a change in myself.  If this is like it has been in the past God will continue to send me these dreams until I learn at least some humility and then there will be a real live test that I must pass.

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Humility

"The value of our activity depends almost entirely on the humility to accept ourselves as we are" - Thomas Merton.  Thomas Merton then goes on to say that we don't value what we can do well and always look to do things we really are suited to do.  This is me.  I always dream of the heroic thing I want to do instead of doing the ordinary good I can do and by doing that fail to do either.

The rest of creation gives praise to God in simply being, in part because a dog doesn't despise being a dog and want to be a penguin.  God made us the way we are to do what we are called to do.  The things we can't do, we are not called to do.  The courage comes from accepting that and from knowing the difference between what I am called to do and what I don't want to do.

Thursday, December 8, 2016

Humble before the Lord

I sit here and I know that I am not humble before the Lord because I bring my lack of humility out in the world, in here in the church.  I revel in other people's lack of compassion and mercy and pat myself on the back.  I am literally the Pharisee who stood in front of the alter of the Lord and said thank you Lord for not making me like them.

I know what He did for us and how little I do for Him.  When the Host is raised at Mass it is an indictment of how little I do for Him.  I intend to do more, always.  I plan on all the wonderful heroic things I will do for God and in my mind, because I plan to do them, I have done them.  I plan on attending this meeting or that rally and really getting involved but at the last minute, I don't do it, I am too tired, I have to work late.  If I do actually do something I planned, I long to be caught doing it.    I hope someone will ask what I did last night so I can tell them.

I do this and then I look down on another person because they don't do the few things I actually do.  For all I know they may do what I do and more but still I judge them.  More likely they don't do the things I intend to do but don't do, so I judge them.

Lord help me!  Enlighten my mind and show me my faults, you who have none.

Wednesday, December 7, 2016

Taking time for God

i was going to call this post making time for God but that makes it seem like a chore, some other thing to add to the whole list of things you have to do this Advent season.  Right now my work is particularly hectic, we are trying to finish the fiscal year and change our computer system.  If I didn't start each day here in the Sanctuary of our church, gazing on the Beloved, just sitting with Him, I would be a tight little bundle of nerves at work.  I know that for sure because the last two days I had to be at work early and skipped my morning prayer time.

Take the time, don't fit it in.  Take time for quiet gazing on the Lord, listening to Him in silence.  Take the time for yourself.  Grow closer to God in this season of watching and waiting for Him.  Don't try to fit in a few hurried Rosaries or novenas, you can do that at other times.  Don't squeeze the One who came to save us, the Prince of Peace into you life, build your life around the Wonderful Councilor.

Sunday, December 4, 2016

Jesus Loves me, this I know

It's a simple children's song and so very true, but I know I am beloved of God by so many things in my life.  He takes care of me.  I think that faith really has to start from the truth that God loves us.Becuase He loves us does not mean that nothing bad will happen, but that it will all work for the ultimate good of getting us and as many others as possible into heaven.

The bad things that have happened in my life have increased my ability to sympathize with other people and to love them even when others don't.  I know what poverty is and I know what it's like to do without basic things that others take for granted.  I know what it's like to choose between food and toilet paper.  This helps me to help others, to me this is God/'s love.  He makes my life more full by letting me love other people.

Saturday, December 3, 2016

Living Simply

Such an easy thing to say and yet so hard to do today.  What does it mean to love a simple life?  I think that it means to have only what we need and no more, but how much do we really need?  I need a reliable car but do I need a big red one with all the bells and whistles?  I need clothes of a certain kind for work, but how many, and do I have to have the latest style?  And does it do good to live simply if I long for more?

At times trying to live simply gives me great peace.  I have what I need and when I go to a store I don't want what is there.  I don't feel deprived I feel content.  These are usually times when I am praying more and spending time with the Beloved and doing His bidding.  There are times when I truly need something.  When I don't have enough warm clothes that fit me I feel deprived.  I think I start to not be content with what I have in general.  Then there are times when I get caught with p in the world and when I am worried.  Then I feel I have nothing and want everything.  I buy into the culture of things.

I get out of balance and all the "stuff" in the world will not fill me up.  I buy too much and eat too much and I am not satisfied.  Only by drawing closer to God can I regain the balance in my life.  Only then can can I live the simple life and have it give me joy.  People get it so wrong.  They try to live simply without God and it either becomes a burden or they use it as a boast.  They tell others all the time how much better their life is because they are doing I right and everyone else has to do it their way.  My way of living simply will most likely not work for you, you are different and need to find what works for you, just do it with God at the center.

Thursday, December 1, 2016

The Commands of God

At the beginning of his ministry St Francis is told by God to go rebuild His church.  Francis had been the son of a cloth merchant, he wasn't a builder. Francis took Gods message literally and rebuilt churches ar first, and he wasn't a scholar or an orator or anyway "qualified" to reform the Church.  So why did God choose Him for the task, because Francis was still the best one for the job.

God may not talk to us in the way He did to Francis, but He does call us to do His work.  He may not call you to do what you want to do and what makes you comfortable but you still have to respond with a yes.  You may want glory and he may need you to clean toilets.  You may want to sit back and not do anything scary or dangerous but He may want you to risk all.  Either way, the answer has to be yes, just look at what He did for you.

Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Soldiering On

There are times in my life when something simple will rock my world make me question myself.  If I didn't have God I don't know how I would go on, but He gives me that strength.  In the past I have suffered greatly from mental illness and every once and a while I get a little reminder of what that was like.  In the past I have even attempted suicide.  I got one of these little reminders this week and without my faith and without God to lean on I know I might have started a downward spiral, but God holds me and supports me and allows me to soldier on.  He allows me to use these little insights to have more compassion for those around me who still suffer.  At the Holidays this is even more important.

Monday, November 28, 2016

Prepare the way of the Lord

Yeaterday we started a new journey, Advent.  This time between now and Christmas is a time for us to prepare for the coming of the Lord into our hearts and into our world.  St Francis at the start of his ministry and frequently thereafter took time out to pray and spend time with the Lord.  During that time he not only prayed but he listened as well.  He came out of those time with renewed purpose and new commissions from God.  That is something we should do during Advent.

We spend so much time and effort buying things for others at Christmas that we forget to take time for ourselves and for God.  While you spouse or children or parents may love the things you buy them would they rather have a calm loving you more committed to God and refreshed in you faith?  Wouldn't you?

The Blessed Virgin Mary is starting her journey.  First she says yes to the Lord and then she goes out in service.  Our yes to the Beloved has to involve the same kind of going out to help others.  I would like warn against the kind of service that serves ourselves more than others.  You know what this is, the one time volunteering at a food pantry that is really a great photo opp to be posted on Facebook.  It should be a commitment and like Mary's journey to Elizabeth it should be a bit hard and uncomfortable.  It should move us along on the journey toward God not simply more of the same.  We should also not look for or try to get praise for what we do, otherwise we already have our reward.

As always, start the journey with prayer, listen to what God is calling you to do, commit to it,and end with prayer.  The goal is Christmas, not just the day, but Christmas in our hearts.

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

Lead me Lord

Oh Lord, show me what it is you want of me!

I feel a call to work for Social Justice but to do it in a Franciscan way.  To preach without words by my actions.  I don't mean by just treating people fairly, I mean by putting myself out there but to try to do it drinking from the well of inner peace that comes from God and to simply stand there peacefully and prayerfully.

I took part in a Black Lives Matter protest a while back.  We prayed, we sang, we hugged, and we prayed some more.  It was so peaceful and beautiful.  At the back of the protest was a group of white supremacists with guns.  We mostly ignored them and the eventually went away.  I hope that at least one of those young men questioned his beliefs about black people that day.  I got a lot of hassle from other people who found out I participated in the protest, I invited them to the next protest to see for themselves and added them to my prayer list.

I pray this is what God wants of me.  To do what I feel called to do and to not defend myself against those who don't understand but to pray for them and love them.  It is so hard, I want to live in God's peace and to have it fill my heart.  I would think that the way to get that is to stay home and pray, to be almost a hermit, but it doesn't seem to work that way for me.  My conscience will not let me stay away.  I wish that I could do more but I am so imperfect and a bit lazy.  May gOd give me the strength to do his will.

Monday, November 14, 2016

Prayer

Dear Lord, show me what it is that you want me to do in the world.  Give me the courage to persevere when I am afraid.  Grant me the wisdom to do the right thing and say the right thing.  Dear Lord, let me be a force for good in this world.  Let me bring your love to all the world starting with my neighbors.

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

I cry aloud to God,cry aloud to God that he may hear me. Psalm 77:1

Fear and uncertainty kept me awake last night.  This morning I knew that I had to get to Church early to sit with my Lord.  I know that I have to do whatever God asks me to do.  Out of love for others I am called everyday to do things that I am afraid of, not the least of which is teach a class of high school kids religion.  Today I realized in my heart that all the people who did great things in the past didn't do them without fear.  They may have had great faith and because of that trusted God, but I believe that they still had some fear.  So today I realized that you can still  do what God asks you to do if you are afraid so long as you trust in God and know you don't have to only trust yourself.

What will God ask me to do?  I don't know, only He knows the future.  I do know that I am called as are we all to protect the lives of others and to seek justice.  If I turn my back in fear on those who need my help then I am turning my back on the Beloved.  If I watch someone be discriminated against and do nothing then I do the same to Christ.  I may not participate myself in the injustice but if I do nothing to fight it I commit that sin out of omission.

I believe as Christians we are called to make this world better through love.  Can I love someone and watch them be denied basic rights and fair treatment?  Can I love God in all of His creation and accept privilege for my class merely because of my skin color and where I was born?  I don't think so.  I believe God will show me the path He wants me to walk, I believe that path will be a challenge for me, but I plan to obey His will and walk it even if I am a bit afraid.

Tuesday, November 8, 2016

Election Day

Unlike any other Election Day that I can remember, today will I think mark a change in our country.  My fear is that today we will split between those who win and those who lose.  This election has made me aware that I can be called on to do heroic things to save others from injustice.  I actually think we all are called and not just at times like these.  Now I can't go back.  I know I am called to dialog with people who out of fear and ignorance are lashing out at people who are different.

For me being prolife means that you have to be both against abortion and against raceism.  Neither "side" agrees totally with what I believe.  I have both pray at an abortion clinic and support life from conception to natural death and protect the rights of the living to fair treatment everywhere and if I see unfair treatment I have to do something about it.

If one side wins I am prepared to fight against and march against late term abortions while supporting the parents in their choice for life.  If the other side wins I may be called on to register as a Muslim even though I am a Christian or march against mass deportations.  But no matter which side wins I will support our democracy.  Supporting democracy is in my mind prolife as well.  Only with a strong government can we avoid the chaos we see in other countries.  Just because I support our nation doesn't mean I think it is never wrong and just because it can be wrong in some things doesn't mean it is wrong in all things.

By fighting for the rights of the underprivileged and the marginalized I protect the rights of all of us.  I understand as a white person the place of privilege that I have enjoyed but I know that the privilege I have had isn't necessary if we all have the same rights.  Privilege is only necessary when rights are unequally distributed.

All of what I believe comes from my faith in God and love of His creation.  I have to love, respect, and protect all of His creation.  I have to do this even at my own cost.

Monday, November 7, 2016

Perfect Joy

When I worry about others recognizing how special I am or giving me praise for what I do, I am miserable.  When people treat me in a way I think is unfair, I am miserable.  When I thank God for the gifts he has given me and I give those gifts away freely I am happy.  When I thank God for being chose. To suffer for him, I have much joy.

I know this and still I fret that people don't thank me or consult me.  I feel slighted if someone doesn't compliment me or like what I do.  I need to drink the idea of Perfect Joy into my soul.  I know people who have amazing gifts fromGod that they don't enjoy because they don't feel people appreciate them enough(me sometimes).  Patience is a sign of Perfect Joy and I want that.

Wednesday, November 2, 2016

Gods Love

I am just a sinner sitting here before God.  I am so small and unworthy of His attention.  Why does Je love me?  I am so imperfect in my own eyes.  Maybe the same reason He loves me is the same reason he loves everyone in the world.  The same reason He loves me, who sins so often and knows I am sinning and yet does it anyway, is the same reason He loves the thief and the murdered and wants them to repent and be saved.

I know that God wants all of us.  I know intellectually that He loves all of us.  I can believe that He loves all His creation and therefore it is all precious, but I know I am a sinner.  I don't doubt Gods love for me, I have seen it.  I just don't feel worthy of it.  I guess I will just have to accept the gift and because of this gift, I have to love those around me that I don't particularly like.

God loves me imperfect as I am, I have to love them because of this.

Tuesday, November 1, 2016

Unafraid in the Spirit.

I am the least of the followers of Christ.  I know what I should do and instead I find excuses everyday to not do the things that God calls me to do.  I do what everyone does, I go to work, I feed my cats, I talk to my mother, I mow my grass on weekends, but that isn't what God is asking me to do.  God calls us all to be more than ordinary.  He calls us to come out of ourselves, out of our comfort zones, not just to do what our family and friends will admire us for, but what needs to be done.

As Franciscans we follow a mad man, someone they threw mud and rocks at, if no one is throwing mud and rocks at me for the good work that I do am I really following Francis?  I feel ready in my heart to work for social justice but I get in the room with those people who are doing it and I feel stupid, I should just pray at that point and let the Spirit guide me.  I know when I let the Spirit guide me He takes me to places that I never thought to go and my heart sings.  When I am living the life the Spirit calls me and moves me to live I feel alive.

It is so strange, when I let go and let God I am unafraid.  Not simply not afraid but the opposite of afraid, unafraid.  I am bold and full of energy.  People don't always like me when I am living in the Spirit.  When I start to worry about what other people think of me, I start to deny the Spirit moving me and fear comes back and so does worry.  I have to get back to living in the Spirit and allowing Him to animate my life, be unafraid.


Monday, October 31, 2016

Fighting the Good Fight

I miss the fervency I had 13 years ago when I started this journey.  I wish that I could pray all night or fast with such sincerity as I used to.  My faith was such a fire back then.  I prayed constantly, I worshipped God everywhere but especially in Church.  I keep looking back at those days trying to recapture the feels of it all.  It was new and felt so good, I thought I would be a Saint some day.

Now I understand better.  Being faithful to God means being faithful now when it's harder.  Now when He isn't as near, or so it feels.  I have to rely on faith and not on the good feelings.  It is about seeking Him, not only in prayer but in others.  Now is when you become the saint you will be.

Now I have to remember to get up early to make time for prayer, when I used to pray at times in my sleep.  Now is when I have to remind myself that God is in all creation and all people, when it used to come to me in a flash of vision that was before me in that tree or that person.  Now I have to fight for my faith and I fight to win.

Sunday, October 30, 2016

Further thoughts on Perfect Joy

What really is perfect joy?  Is St Francis saying we need to accept injustice?  I don't think so Francis fought injustice. His day.  I think it is more an attitude.  We should accept the gifts given to us by God without getting puffed up with pride.  God gives us our intelligence and our talents.  God works through us to do great things in the world.  All we can glory in is our willingness to do what God calls on us to do.  God will shape us into the tool He needs by our experiences, so we should accept those experiences gladly and be joyful in being chosen.

Friday, October 28, 2016

Perfect Joy

Now many times have I read the story of Perfect Joy, understood it as best I could, vowed to live up to it and failed usually within minutes?  Why do I glory in the things that are not mine to glory in and why do I insist on the admiration of those around me?

Do I really want to follow Christ for the love of throne who loves me and saved me or do I follow Christ in the vain hope that I will admired for that?  Do I serve the poor for their sake or for mine?  I know there is no satisfaction in running after the world and its approval.  I fully agree that pride makes me miserable.  I know following Christ where he wants me to go is what will ultimately. Are me happy.  Why, don't I do it?

Thursday, October 27, 2016

Do not seek the honors of the World

Lately I have been re-reading the early writings of St Francis of Assisi and the Little Flowers of St Francis with the idea that other people need to be more familiar with these writings.  I however know all that they say and love them and at least thought I was living them.

Wrong, each one has been an indictment on my soul.  In every paragraph I see where I fall oh so short.  I read today about Br. Bernard and how he and the other brothers sought out not the approval and love of the world but it's scorn.  They were scorned not for anything bad but for how they dressed and how poor they were.  They were loving and pious me my thought has been that I should be attractive to the world so they will be attracted to God, silly me.

I show them instead a face and a life that is not a challenge to them.  It looks like them, talks like them, smells like them.  When I am scorned by people for my beliefs I find it very hard, I don't rejoice like St Francis and the brothers did.  Am I trying to fit in for them or for me?  I backed away from those who scorned me because of my social justice beliefs.  I didn't change what I was doing just didn't interact with those people anymore.  That is not what Br. Bernard would have done.  He would have rejoiced in the scorn and bore with it as a blessing from God to keep him humble.

Sunday, April 3, 2016

Devine Mercy, more than a prayer

Today is Devine Mercy Sunday.  Hopefully, we have all prayed the Devine Mercy Chaplet at least once this week to remind us of the mercy shown us by God.  However, simply praying the prayer is not enough, we have to live that prayer as well.  That is what prayer can do.  We have prayed for Gods mercy on ourselves because we are fallible beings in need of great mercy.  Because he gives us this mercy we should not be like the servant who when shown mercy has none for his fellow servant, we must give that mercy away and be merciful too!   We have to be both physically and spiritual givers of mercy.  We have to forgive not just with our words but our actions.  God pours love and mercy out on us, we are called to do the same, everyday, in our families, at work, to our neighbors, and to the entire world.  We must be mercy itself.

Tuesday, March 29, 2016

The Single Vocation

I had an interesting thing happen when I was looking for information on the single vocation.  I ran into an article that basically said if you are not in a vowed vocation you are nothing.  It really hurt me to think that someone wouldn't value all the single people in our church who live their life for the church.  They carry out necessary functions that in the past would have been handled by the nuns or brothers assigned to a parish or another priest.  Today we have so many parishes with one priest or sharing a priest with another parish.

I have found that many priests either actively discourage or don't know about private vows so many of these people might not even know this is an option.  To tell them they have to be a priest, religious or married is an act of cruelty.  I do feel that you can't be half in half out your whole life.  If you are committed to God, with a vow or not, you have to be truly committed.  But if you are living your commitment then that should be honored.  Like other commitments it requires discernment, formation, and spiritual advice from your priest.

Monday, March 28, 2016

Reflections on a Meadow

When I look out into our beautiful chaotic world, I see order there.  It isn't the order imposed by man, it is a deeper order.  If anything the small order man tries to impose makes the world more chaotic and more ugly.  Look at a meadow, how it all works together.  It isn't a jumble of plants, it is an ecosystem that lives in harmony without our influence.  It is vibrant and full of life, everything interdependent on each other.  Life, death, and rebirth.  An animals droppings become the fertilizer for the seed eaten.  That grows into a tree that provides shelter and more seeds to those around it.  Then the death of the tree creates homes and fertilizes the soil.  I see God in that.

When I look at a garden I see our attempt at imitating God.  We impose our limited view of order.  We fail in that we only choose what is pleasing to us. We don't understand His creation fully so our garden needs our constant meddling.  Why aren't we happy with the world the way God made it?  Why do we think we know better?  We struggle against the Love he asks us to show each other as though my love for you will somehow diminish me.  We fear that God will as us to do something that others will laugh at, we think we are afraid of failure but I think that we are afraid more of looking like a fool.  St Francis was Gods fool.  I can't think of a better thing to be.

He Is Risen

Today I start a new journey.  For the next year I will try to discern what Gods me to do.  He is my Beloved and He gave Himself for me, I need to seriously consider what He is calling me to.  Am I to be His bride, or is He calling me to make a family with someone else?

I don't know the answer right now.  I do know that no matter what the answer is He is still to be the main focus of my life.  I am at a cross roads in ministry now too.  Other people are helping with the Youth Ministry so that isn't as much of a burden.  I am open to Christ and willing to take on whatever he puts in my path.  I know certain things call to me, especially working with the homeless, but in the past God has always given me something else to do.  We will see what His will is.

Friday, March 25, 2016

Gods Plans, not our Plans

My plan today was to get to the church an hour early so I could prepare for Good Friday.  I walked in the door and someone had tracked mud down the center isle of the church so instead of immediately going to prayer, I cleaned the carpet.  Why, because I saw it and it needed to be done.  That's the way life with Christ is.  You want to do something lofty and admirable but Chrit wants you to fill a need on your hands and knees.  Something humiliating or really humbling.  His plan, not yours.

The reward is the quiet time after gazing at Him and He at you.  We pray today in the Stations of the Cross "and do with me as You will", but do we mean it?  What if your family wants you to marry and have kids but God wants you to be a priest?  What if you want a simple life without any demands on your time but God wants you to be Youth Minister?  We can't say, then do with me as You will and then do our own will.  Of course it is easy to say so and so should really be doing more, she's retired, or you need to help the poor more, or why can't he do it?  It doesn't work that way.

What Love looks Like

So this is love, this is what it looks like.  Love isn't like what you see in romantic comedy.  It is all easy passionate desire.  It is pain and sacrifice.  If we really love Him we should be willing to at least put up with the discomfort of getting up early to pray or not having as much TV time or Facebook time as we want.  He did this for us, what are we willing to do for Him?

When the Bible talks about the faithful being held in safety, they don't mean from physical harm, but from spiritual harm.  Our bodies may not be held safe but our souls will and isn't that the goal?  We are told that if we hold on to our lives here then we will lose our lives in heaven.

This is what real love does, it makes us brave.  Loving Christ opens our hearts to even more love for rest of humanity.  That love makes us even more brave.  That leads to the cross, but it is a beautiful cross, Christ kisses the cross, it is what He desires.  Our cross, through love, can be made beautiful, but we have to embrace it and kiss it, and carry it willingly.

Thursday, March 24, 2016

The Bridegroom waits

Sitting here in front of the tabernacle I am reminded of how I used to feel when I was consecrated to the Lord.  Three times I took temporary vows and on those days I felt so beloved and protected.  I could go anywhere and have no fear.  I was the Lord's and no one could take me from Him.

On Holy Thursday and Good Friday I would sit and contemplate the Bridegroom, my Bridegroom and I was His lowly imperfect little bride.  I was protected concealed in the wound in His side.  I gave myself to Him, I was His.  I felt so loved, it thrilled me.   Ecstacy would wash over me, and all the world would fade away, except for Him.

I turned away from Him.  I didn't go through with my final vows.  Since then I haven't felt as close to Him, and I haven't been as brave.  I want to go back to that.  I will contemplate amend pray for the next year to dicern if that is the right path for me, it permanent consecration is the path He has chosen for me, but in the meantime I give myself to God.  I am His and he is my Lord, My Savior, my King, my Ruler, my Beloved.  I will not leave Him again.

And so it Begins

I always find Holy Week hard.  I know where it all leads.  I hate the pain and suffering the Beloved has to endure for me.  I hate that He dies and for 3days leaves me, and it is my fault.  I see the pain, I see the blood,and I feel guilty.

Part of me, a very small part of me, knows that I should also be happy, that along with the blood and the pain is love.  That this is all an act of supreme love.  Our God gave Himself for us.  That is unique.  While the God of the Jews and the Muslims is the same as our God, only our God loved us so much He died a horrible death for us.  That should color everything we are about.  The Love should literally shine through us.

As the Triduum begins I plan to try to look at His love for me and not get as bogged down in the sadness and guilt.  I plan to look for ways to then carry that Love out into the world.  Pray for me and I will pray for you.

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Loving your Enemies

Jesus shows us how to love our enemies.  He gave his life for those who betrayed Him.  He prayed for those who executed Him.  If we are to walk in his footsteps we too have to do these things, even if we not called to die for Him.

In the little things, we have to be like Him and not like the world.  Carrying a grudge is just that, something you carry, and it is heavy.  Forgiveness will lighten you soul.  In the big things, we can only do that with prayer.  We have to pray for those who kill us and terrorize us.  We have to put our faith in God and that in action.  We have to love them.  Pray for them.  We have to show them the way of our God, love.

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

The Root of all Evil

Money.  Judas betrays Jesus for 30 pieces of silver and St Francis of Assisi told his brothers to treat money like dung.  We are all somewhere in between.  How much do you worry about money?  How much does it control you actions?  If someone came to you and said we need $100 worth of groceries to feed hungry people, would you say yes?  If not why?  If you say you don't have the money, is that true?

We need money to live, we can't really walk the streets of our town begging alms, though I know people who have done this in Austin, TX.  But how much does it control our lives, take away our freedom?  Do you want a new car or do you have to have one so those around you think we'll of you?  How about new shoes, new clothes?

I see Francis' point.  Sin takes away your freedom, if money does that as well then could it be a sin too?  Our at least is my relationship to money a sin?

Monday, March 21, 2016

How can we refuse Him?

Today I look at Him and see that He has nothing.  He gave everything for me, his possessions, his reputation, and his life for me.  How then can I be unwilling to give Him a few hours of my life to lead a group in spiritual reflection, or feeding the poor.  How can I say I've already given enough this week when someone asks me for money.  How can I be afraid to speak my mind in public concerning what I believe?  How can I refuse when a priest asks me help with anything?  A priest asking us to help is as close to God asking us to help as we are likely to get, how can we refuse him?

Sunday, March 20, 2016

Sitting at the foot of the cross

Most High, Glorious God, bring light to the darkness of my heart, give me right faith, certain hope, and perfect charity. Lord, give me insight and wisdom so I might always discern your holy and true will. Amen. - Prayer of St Francis of Assisi before the cross at San Domiano

This week I invite you to sit at the foot of the cross each day and contemplate what the cross means to you.  What is that place like for you?  Is it a horror?  Do you think of how you put Him there?  Or is it a place to contemplate the love you see?  Do you see yourself and what you have done, or do you see the Beloved and what He has done for you?  Neither is wrong, just different.  If we pray to be more like Him, what does that mean?  It means the cross is in our future.

Friday, March 18, 2016

Serving Christ

Where do good world fit in our faith life?  If we can twin our way to heaven, why are we called to do these things?  There are those of other denominations who look down on us for emphasizing good works, so why do we feel we need to do them?

We do them as a way to draw ever closer to the Beloved.  We do this both by striving to become more and more like Him and by serving Him by serving others.  We can't make ourselves more like Him, He transforms us into His image.  We all have worked at times to serve others only to become bitter and unhappy with those we served, those are the times when we tried to change ourselves.  We didn't go with an open heart and open mind, looking for Christ in those we were serving and so it was hard and tedious.

When we go with an open heart and mind and look for Christ in those we serve, when we go truly to serve them, give ourselves to them, we are the ones transformed.  We are drawn closer to the one we love.  You know how you feel when you are going to see someone you love and to talk to them and be with them, you heart races a bit, you can't wait to get there, you feel a certain lightness in any work you do.  That is how it feels when you serve Christ in the world.  As St Francis said, that which was bitter became sweet.

Thursday, March 17, 2016

O Lord, make me small, make me low, make me humble, and happy to be so

O Lord, make me small, make me low, make humble, and happy to be so.
O Lord grant me the wisdom to see You in all things and to accept Your will in my life.
Grant me the grace, O Lord, to do all things in You and for You.
Let me find joy at Your feet and in all Your works.
Let me find the wisdom I need in Your word.

Make small Dear Lord and malleable in your hands.
Form me in You likeness and give me a new heart.
Grant me, O Lord a heart like Yours, a heart of love and understanding.
Make Me more like You.

O Lord, make me brave, give me the courage to carry You in all I do out into the world.
Give me the courage to speak and the words to say to those caught up in the world.
Grant the strength to with stand the blows and count them as nothing.
Lend me Your heart, O Lord, that I may love all, even those who hate me.

Tuesday, March 15, 2016

Sitting at His feet

Oh my Lord, I am a failure!  I say everyday how I want to be like you as I sit here in the dark in the church each morning.  I beg you to make my heart like yours, but everyday when I leave here I make the wrong decisions.  I choose to not stand out, to not be brave, to care how other people see me.  I choose to make the choice that makes me look good in other people's eyes.  The one that makes them think of me while not making think I am strange.

I choose to give but not until it hurts.  I give enough to look good but still allow me to have a good vacation every year or a new outfit.  I am jealous of those who spend even more money on themselves than I do.  The funny thing is that I know what I want and I know what makes me happy.   You do.

I crave sitting here at Your feet, my soul needs this.  I crave meeting You out in the world and finding You in nature.  This makes me feel whole and loved, that makes me feel broken and unfulfilled.  Why Oh Lord, do I listen to the world?  Why do I not seek You continually in the people around me?  I could spend my day not thinking about myself, not worrying about fitting in.  I could spend my day in this church at Your feet in my heart.  Grant me Oh Lord that grace today.

I know Dear Lord this is what You tried to tell me once, that this where I was meant to be.  I don't have to sit here physically all the time.  I can sit here mentally and in prayer.

Monday, March 14, 2016

Praise the Lord Your God all the days of your Life

Praise the Lord all the days of your life.
Praise the Lord all the days of your life by how you live your life.
Praise the Lord all the days of your life by living your life with joy.
Praise the Lord all the days of your life by joyfully living your life in the service if the the Lord.  Praise the Lord all the days of your life by joyfully living your life in the service of the Lord by serving others.
Praise the Lord all the days of your life by loving the Lord your God.
Praise the Lord all the days of your life by loving the Lord your God by serving others.
Praise the Lord all the days of your life loving all the Lord your God has made.
Praise the Lord all the days of your life by loving yourself.

Sunday, March 13, 2016

Violence vs Love

I think, in our society today, we have forgotten love for our fellow man.  Politeness reflects our love and respect for one another and gives us space to hear each other.  Political correctness is not really being polite, at least not the way it is used.  So often it is used as a way bash someone else on the head.because they don't know the right thing to say, and to make ourselves feel superior.

Knowing the right catch phrase to use also doesn't insure that we actually love the people we are referring to.  You can remember to always say person of color and still discriminate against them.  Words can reflect attitudes but they don't always.

Recently we have thrown all this out and have given in to baser feelings of fear, hatred and greed.  Violence is not what the Beloved taught us.  The beloved taught us to fight through love and sacrifice.  It is what the Missionaries of Charity have taught us.  Violence begets  violence, love begets love.

Friday, March 11, 2016

Lord, teach me to be Generous

I truly believe that God can turn tragedy into victory.  I wonder how many people have been introduced to this beautiful prayer after our beloved Sisters of Charity were martyred?  How many of us have been challenged in the following days by the words the Sisters prayed daily?  I know I have.  I pledge to add this prayer to my daily prayers in part, in their honor and in part because I need it.

I am not generous by the standards of this prayer.  I count the cost, feel the wounds (if I had any), and I want to be recognized for even the smallest thing I do.  I am not generous, but I do believe that we are transformed by prayer, and I want to be generous.

Think of the number of people who will be transformed by the death of our Sisters, there is the victory.

Lord, teach me to be generous.
Teach me to serve you as you deserve;
to give and not to count the cost,
to fight and not to heed the wounds,
to toil and not to seek for rest,
to labor and not to ask for reward,
save that of knowing that I do your will.

Thursday, March 10, 2016

The Trap

I am a hypocrit, if given the choice I would in the secret of my heart want to be acclaimed for even the smallest thing I do.  I want people to think we'll of me and this sin holds me back from doing the things that God wants me to do.  I am afraid that if I were called on to do something in the way of civil disobedience that I am too afraid to do something that while right might cost me esteem or my job.

I look back and I wonder, could I have been part of the French Underground, could I have part of the Underground Railroad?  Could I really give all for God?  Could I toil for Him in secret, risking all for no acclaim?  By myself as I am, no.  God will have to transform my heart and make it more like His.  I am weak and selfish, He gave all for me.

Sin holds me back, that is what sin does, it keeps us from being free.

Wednesday, March 9, 2016

Martyrs to Indifference

I sit here in front of the Blesses Sacrament and contemplate Pope Francis's words "martyrs of indifference".  The Beloved was also a martyr of indifference.  We was murdered for convenience.  People didn't want to change their lives, they wanted Him to quit disturbing their peace.  When I think of Him I also see the little Syrian boy who washed up on the beach, the people living in the camps.

This is our chance to feed our Lord, to give Him drink, to give Him shelter.  Imagine yourself standing before our Almighty Judge and Him asking you why didn't you help Him?  What will you say?  It wasn't my concern?  Of the hundreds of thousands who needed my help a few might want to kill us?  They were different than me?  Not the same religion as me,not the same color as me?  What will you tell Jesus?  What will I tell Him?

Tuesday, March 8, 2016

Complicit by Inaction

I heard a story recently about how Otto Frank tried to get visas to come to the US for his family but was denied because in 1924 the US changed its immigration policy due to the modern eugenics movement to limit the number of Jews coming into the US.  This is the same movement that inspired the Nazis.  So while the Nazis did the actual murder, the US was also complicit.

Our actions and policies here in the US have effects on people all over the world and we have to consider those effects.  Our inaction can also have the same effect.  It is hard to care day after day or even look at all the bombings in the Middle East, there are so many.  It is scary to invite them into our country on the chance that one single crazy will come to add to the ones we already have.  But to do so means we are responsible for the results of the actions we take or don't take.

It is overwhelming, what can I do?  First, I can pray.  Have I said a novena for Boko Haram or ISIS?  Have I prayed for the refugees?  Have I donated to causes to help them?  Have I voted for those who would help them?  Or am I scared and acting out of fear and hatred?

Thursday, March 3, 2016

Defending what we Possess

St Francis fought owning anything because any thing he and the brothers owned would have to be defended.  In our daily lives we defend the things we own everyday.  We own our jobs so we defend them by being afraid of immigrants and foreigners who we fear will take our jobs.  We own our lives and so we fear those who might threaten it.  We own our ideas of ourselves and fear and hate those who challenge us.

We don't just possess things.  We possess, or try to possess nearly everything we see or think of for that matter.  Being spiritually poor is much harder than not buying a fancy car or expensive clothes.  Being spiritually also means not owning our idea of ourselves.  We give that to God, who really owns it anyway.  By doing this we are free.  We are free to love as God commands us to.  We are to change in the ways He wants us to.  We are free to die in the way He needs us to.

For me it is easy to give away the physical things I no longer need.  It is harder to give up anything else.  I need all of your prayers to become what God wants me to be.  If you pray for me I will pray for you.  I will remember all who read this in my daily prayer.

Wednesday, March 2, 2016

Reading what I need to Hear

during Lent every morning I am reading a meditation based on the Gospel for the day and everyday it is something that strikes me to the heart.  Today it is on peace and humility.  It said if we have peace and humility in our hearts then we have neither anger nor annoyance.

Work is very challenging at the moment and I obviously have neither peace nor humility because I am struggling with anger and annoyance.  I was trying to deal with the stress at work by not doing my morning meditations and cutting short even my morning prayer.  I know now that is not the right way to deal with stress because it has just gotten worse.  Imagine deciding to deal with stress by pulling away from God!  How silly of me.  God is who I need to take the stress to.  Being filled with peace and humility instead of anger and annoyance will lower the stress level for me and my coworkers.

Thank you Lord for reminding me to come to You and Your Gospel for comfort and wisdom.  You who are comfort and wisdom, lead me today, fill me with Your peace.  Grant me Oh Lord the grace I need to carry your peace and wisdom into the world.  Remind me, as You always do, to come to You when I need help.  Amen!

Tuesday, March 1, 2016

Hoarding Time

Today the text I was meditating on was about the Holy Poverty of the brothers of St Francis.  How they gave all for each other, not just money or things.  It got me thinking about Time.  Time is the thing I hoard.  It is obviously the thing I hold most dear.  I hate to give it up.

For Lent I give up things like sweets, but if that isn't what I value most and hate the most to give up then that's not what I should give up.  I need to give more of my time, and not just at Lent.  I need to be more generous with my time with my family and friends.  I need to hold it less dear.