I am a beloved child of God, and so are you

We had confession tonight at church.  I went with my R. Ed class.  I didn't plan on going to confession because I went last week.  What sins had I committed in the last week?  I couldn't have done much.  But as I sat there I thought first that I hadn't been trusting God lately.  I've been worried alot.

I hit a deer coming home about two months ago.  I had only liability insurance my car was wrecked.  Don't even ask me about the deer, I still mourn the loss of that beautiful creature.  How was I going to fix my car?  How was I going to get to work?  I was afraid to drive and I was beating myself up over what I saw as my failure.  I turned to God and begged for help but I still worried.  The crazy thing is that it all worked out and in the end I even had the money I needed for a repair that came up unrelated to the wreck.  So God really took care of me, but I didn't trust Him enough to not worry.

Why do I worry I thought.  Because part of me sees myself as so bad that I am outside of Gods love.  That I have to be perfect to be loved even by God, and I am not perfect.  The silly thing is that if someone came to me I would joyfully tell them that God loves them more than we can ever imagine.  That if they were the only one who needed saving, He would have still died for them.  He loves them so much it hurts.  And I believe that, but there is still this little dark place in me that is afraid of failing Him.

So, I took both of those sins to confession.  Right now I feel like God has opened up an infected wound.  I feel better and can now heal.  God works in mysterious ways.  I went back to my pew and prayed and cried.  I realized that there are so many things I haven't been trusting Him with.  I haven't trusted Him about my love life or my ministry.  I had never thought of that.  Why am I worrying?  He loves me, I need to let go, and let God.  He loves me, I am worth loving, and even better, He loves me even when I am not perfect.  I don't have to be perfect.

I had been reading some Advent reflections by Padre Pio but I misplaced the book (not being perfect again) so picked another book that caught my eye on St Francis.  Before confession and this realization I couldn't read the next paragraph, it just didn't register when I read it.  After confession I tried again.  It talked about our life on the threshing floor of God.  If we relax and go with God, we are free, and we don't get hurt.  But life is so much harder when we resist and doubt.  We hold on to ground, to our own ideas and resist His loving removal of our chaff.  Wow, that was me!  Holding on to the ground and getting beaten by life.  I want to be free!  I want let go, like at the top of a roller coaster ride, throw my hands up and enjoy the ride.  Quit worrying and trust God.

I know this isn't the end of worrying for me, I am not perfect.  That's okay, He loves me and will continue to call me back to Him, remind me how much He loves me, and to trust Him.  May God bless you and keep you.

Morning Prayer - Further Reflections on Advent

I am very lucky, not only do I live near my church but I have a key so I can get to church early in the morning and pray before the tabernacle.  These mornings are do like Advent.  Sitting there waiting for God, listening for God.  Finally He comes and I am enveloped in Him and in His light

It is a pregnant time, full of so much longing and yearning.  Wanting to see Him, feel Him,and speak to Him.  It is still dark, but I know that dawn is coming.  Others will arrive and we will start the ritual of Morning Prayer.  Morning Prayer something shared, a lot like Christmas.  Now it is quiet and dark and I sit here watching and waiting for the coming of the Savior.  How Blessed is this time!  It reminds me of how much I long for Him.

Today, I will try to carry this feeling with me, to be always looking for Him today in everyone I meet.  Everyone I see has a spark of Him and it is my job to see it, my job to look for it.  I have heard that Buddists spend their whole day looking for the Budda in every person.  They walk down the street saying to themselves Budda?  Budda?  Budda?  We can learn from them.  We know that God is there in each person.  So when I answer the phone today, I shouldn't be annoyed, I am not just talking to someone, I am also talking to Christ.  He is there in each person, if only we look for Him.  And how do we see Him?  We have to look with Love.  I am still working on that.  May God Bless you.

Don't be afraid, for your Savior is coming, reflection on the first week of Advent.

I love to walk at night and gaze at the stars.  At this time of year it's even more special because the Christmas lights are coming out and people are starting to set up Nativity displays.  When I walk past each Nativity I stop for a moment and I think about the manger sitting there empty and how Mary and Joseph are looking down at it long for it to be filled.

Today is the feast of the Immaculate Conception of the Blessed Virgin Mary.  Today we think about our Mother and how she was conceived without sin so that she could be the ark of the new covenant. I thought how she is waiting for birth of her son. We are all in a sense pregnant with the expectation of the Coming.  He is coming.

He is coming into our hearts, building His home there, transforming us if we will let Him in.  And who are we letting in?  Do we let in the Baby Jesus?   That non-threatening little baby who we can hold and admire who doesn't ask anything of us?  Or are we welcoming the fully grown Savior who asks us for our very lives? I think we usually have to start with that little baby.  Who loves us and just asks to be loved.  But just as a child grows up and demands more of his family so does Christ ask more of us as we grow in our faith.  Just as it wouldn't be normal for a child not to grow, it isn't normal for our faith to not grow.  In fact if faith doesn't grow, it may well die.

But don't be afraid!  He is coming into the world.  He is our Savior and He saves us!  If He is our Savior, we can trust Him.  He loves us so much, he died for us.  He won't ask too much of us.  He wants what's good for us, for our eternal life.

So, I wait in the darkness,pregnant with anticipation, for the Light of the world to come.  I wait to hold the baby that will grow in my heart to an adult faith.  I wait to hear his voice, the cry in the night that will change my life and make me even more myself.

Advent vs Christmas

The priest at our church is a lovely and very holy man who lives out his faith everyday in who he lives.  Every year he covers our church and rectory in Christmas lights starting right after Thanksgiving.  There are some people who love the lights and some who object to them as participating in the commercialization of Christmas and not giving the season of Advent it's proper place.

We as Catholics are supposed to use the season of Advent to prepare our lives and our hearts for the coming of our Lord and Savior.  It is a time of reflection and prayer and also a time to show our love for God by helping others.  In the world, this time between Thanksgiving and Christmas has become an orgy of spending and consuming.  A time to beat the next person to the best deal on some new gadget.

If the world has forgotten the meaning of Christmas, whose fault is that?  Is it the stores?  The media?  Or is it our fault?  What good is it, in the midst of all the busy shopping and preparation to have our little church be dark?  As people pass by they would not be reminded at all that this time of the year is different. Instead when you pass St Paul's you can not miss it.  It shines like the light of Christ.  It is the lamp what can't be hidden under a bushel.  It is a beacon to remind people that there are still Christians in our world and that we are preparing for the coming of the God of Love.

How can we as followers of the Light of the world honor Advent in our lives?  What are we called to do to carry that light into the world?  If the world has left Christ out of Christmas it is our fault,not theirs.  To often we fail to carry Gods love in our hearts to rest of the world.  We don't practice our faith in the most meaningful ways, by loving.  To truly prepare for the coming of Christ we have to prepare our hearts by forgiving those we need to forgive.  By examining our thoughts and beliefs and purging ourselves of our biases and prejudices.  Christ is coming into our world and we don't know how he will look.  Is he the homeless man who asks us for a couple of bucks?  Is he the immigrant who doesn't speak English?  Is he the single mom who just needs some help to feed her kids?  The answer is that he is all these people.  Celebrate Advent and Christmas not just by not doing but by doing.  Show Christ to the world by how you live and how you love,and just by not putting up Christmas lights.

As always I write this blog more as a reminder to myself than anything else. If you find anything useful in it please let me know.  If you find anything you disagree with, please also share that.

Is Christ the King of my life?

The kids in my Youth Group always ask for us to help them relate what we believe to their everyday life.  When I think of this beautiful feast day, I think of the cry "Viva Christo Rey!". The cry given by Mexican martyrs in defense of their religious freedoms.  I am not calling for an armed uprising but if Christ is really our King, then we are His army and an army does what their leader says and defends the King.

Do I do what He says?  Do I bravely take up the defense of  His Church?  Soldiers are brave and you have to be brave when your only weapon is Love.  Though one of things I like best about the Harry Potter books is that they maintain that Love is the most powerful weapon in the world.  No matter how hard it is to do we have to fight hatred and ignorance with Love.  Yelling at someone and calling them names will never convert them.  But if we learn our faith and Church history well enough then we can loving defend her.  If we spend time thinking about why we Love our Mother the Church and our Lord then we will feel more comfortable sharing our faith with our loved ones.  The better we know our faith the stronger our faith will be.

Today is a day to think about how we are going to march into Advent and the Christmas season.  Advent is coming of the light.  We sit in the darkness of winter waiting for Him to come.  Now is the time to prepare our hearts and strengthen our faith for the new year to come.  Practice loving this season by forgiving old hurts and reconnecting with anyone we are separated from.  Do nice things for those around us, especially for those we don't get along with.  The ultimate Love is coming into the world, Christ our King, make the ready by sharpening the weapon He gave us, sacrificial Love.

By the way, if you found this blog interesting (or not) or learned anything (or not) I would like to hear from you.