Lent on God's terms - Not mine

I had a great plan for this Lenten season.  I was going to get up early every morning and be first at Morning Prayer and get some time to blog more and read more before prayer.  I was going to fast and do all sorts of great things!  I,I,I,I, me, me, me, me.  The best part was that everyone would see that I was spending more time at church and everyone would see that I was fasting.  I was going to be so great, and that's the point of Lent isn't it?  To look so holy on the outside while being proud on the inside?  God didnt think so either.  Lucky for me, He saved me from me.

Right as Lent started my Dad went into the hospital and I had to take my Mom back and forth to the hospital and stay with her and my Dad.  I couldn't do all the (self-agrandizing) things I planned to do.  I felt like such a failure.  I thought I was going to do something great this year.  Lent was going to be like a mini retreat for me.  I was going to be so holy.  I wouldn't tell anyone what I was doing but I secretly in my heart hoped they would see.  Instead, I am missing Mass and other things.  I am too tired to do much extra praying and fasting has been replaced by hospital food.  I was actually getting angry at myself and my parents that I was not able to give up anything for Lent.  I was embarrassed, I hoped no one would ask me what I was doing for Lent.

Finally, today I understand.  God is asking me to give up my time and control over my life to Him.  I am doing what I need to for Lent (I just need to do it a bit more graciously maybe).  The thing I wanted to do werent bad, but the reason I wanted to do them was.  I pray to be a reed in His hand and to be supple in doing His will.  Instead I still insist on doing it my way and worry about what other people think of me.  Dying to myself is so hard and i fail at it daily.  Somewhere along the way I confused doing Gods will with people accepting and admiring me.  What I need to remember is that isn't the goal.  The goal is to do Gods will and hope people come to admire and accept God.  His love is enough for me.

Dear Lord, thank you for this lesson.  I know I will need it again in the future.  Thank you for your mercy.