Sometimes I feel like I am chasing that feeling I had at the beginning when I first came to know God. That feeling that He was so close at all times and I was filled with His love. I literally lived in that love and the rest of the world had no meaning for me.
When I think back on it now it was a very selfish time in my life. I prayed to get the good feelings and I felt that everyone was looking at me and could see how holy I was getting! How silly I was. I thought I was there but really these were just the first baby steps of my journey. God was holding me up because I couldn't walk on my own. I hadn't been sent on mission yet.
My relationship to God is different now. It isn't chasing the next good feeling. It is participating in a relationship. I am more secure in my love for God. I know He will never abandon me but I was a fraud I would abandon Him. I don't worry about that now. I guess it is the difference between falling in love with someone and loving someone.
To be honest, I do still miss those feelings
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